Hello fellow zodiac freaks. Every Monday I publish 12 satirical horoscopes for all the sun signs. I publish them on blogspot and other places. I’m currently looking for publications to carry my column, if you’re interested drop me a line blugirli@yahoo.com
List of hot celebs: Miriah, De Niro, Madonna, ARIES…well why not? Your planet Neptune thinks you can pull it off, so there’s no point in my arguing with any mad plan Neptune throws your way. Instead consider me your enabler. For your full on celebrity delusion you will need the following: real designer clothes not fakos, oversized glasses, zirconium, and black tint for your car windows. The easiest part for you will be acting like a high maintenance human, which you do quite naturally (goody goody is just so d-list). I guess the whole thing could be worse, you could be suffering from celebrity worship syndrome and think that your favourite celebrity will come to your rescue if you needed help. BRAD JENNIFER SOS.
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The ancient zodiac symbol for Taurus is the ox. Four thousand years ago people heavily relied on the bull for survival. That slow movin’, grass chewin’, endless poopin’ old bull helped humanity become agrarian. So what’s that got to do with your horoscope? Well looking at your planet line up, I think that your mellow energy will lead to great things. What’s that Shakespeare quote? “To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first”.
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Dear Gemini,
I don’t know if I love you anymore, you’re so two-faced this week. I can’t stand it when you say you’re not two-faced but have an exaggerated dextrous disposition instead. Gemini I caught you in flagrante: “It’s cheating”, I cried. “It’s fulfilling my need for extreme situations”, you retorted. You always intellectualize the reasons why you do naughty things. I need emotional committment and you’re so flighty. It’s like there’s always something better somewhere else. Well now I’m going somewhere else - so don’t be tempted to call.
Dear Gemini,
I don’t know if I love you anymore, you’re so two-faced this week. I can’t stand it when you say you’re not two-faced but have an exaggerated dextrous disposition instead. Gemini I caught you in flagrante: “It’s cheating”, I cried. “It’s fulfilling my need for extreme situations”, you retorted. You always intellectualize the reasons why you do naughty things. I need emotional committment and you’re so flighty. It’s like there’s always something better somewhere else. Well now I’m going somewhere else - so don’t be tempted to call.
Cancer you desperately want something but it’s undefinable. I blame Neptune’s sirens for your mysterious longings. You say you can’t describe it, but you’re positive it’s missing from your life and you need it. If it were a material thing it would shimmer and delight you for several incarnations, but it doesn’t have a physical manifestation. It’s an eternal thing, a philosophical thing, it’s talked about by angels. I think you’re looking for a faith thing.
Pussy cat cannot be tamed and you’re prowling around in your glad rags looking for big cat love. You’ll say anything to get the wrong person to love you. That’s right, your Mars and Neptune are in opposite houses in your chart right now making you the biggest fool for some sexy confusion illusion and delusion. Expect to meet really hot people who will make you pay all the time, tell you about their excessive flatulence, and steal your credit cards. You’ll be lucky if you get away before they set themselves on fire because you’re acting just like their ex. I’m sorry Leo but you won’t find the wink to your nod this week.
Libra with Saturn and Venus in your Sun Sign you remind me of what they say about people who wear their hair in a mullet. It’s business up front and party in the back. In all honesty I like your style this week. You’re solid and you want to get the job done, but when the buzzer rings it’s time to run out of your school/jail cell/cubical and rock.
Virgo setting aside your shrill voice, hypochondriacal tendencies, and frigid manner, what people don’t understand is that you have a beautiful mind. This week your Sun Sign’s ruler Mercury is letting you get your kicks above the waistline. Planetary love will increase your natural propensity for analysis and make you a master of words. I’m excited about your horoscope because I’m doing a crossword and I need a 3 letter word for fear of cabbage in my kebab and I can’t think of one. Any suggestions? But before you get on your damn high horse and start correcting our grammar, I have to remind you that being clever is no guarantee against being dead wrong. Irregardless, you’re a hell of a lot more interesting like this than when you’re ironing underwear.
The thing is Scorpio is that the planets Saturn and Neptune are making you a bit obssessive this week. Your obsessions are about why people ain’t doin’ what they’re supposed to be doin’ for you. The problem is when we obsess about people it’s like we’re renting out space in our head to some squatter who refuses to pay rent. Are you going to let your mind squatter live in your brain rent free and pee all over the place? You tell that dirty crack addicted psychopathic brain squatter that you are fed up with their so called squatter’s rights and you will flush them out quickly with a double dose of SSRI action if the situation does not change. Get your brain space back Scorpio. Today.
